One of the most frustrating things for me when losing weight is the slow pace at which I do it. Now, rationally, I get that’s a good thing, but that other part of my brain, the impatient one, tells me it’s not fast enough. So when I come up with a 2 pound weight loss, part of me starts to wonder why I even bother. I mean, this much work for only two stinking pounds?
What I also know is the scale could easily swing the other direction and I could have a two-pound gain. Without what I’ve done this week, that is a for sure that I would continue to gain weight. I’m well into the obese range and heading into morbidly obese territory (or I might already be there, I just want to live in denial if I am).
Again, I understand it, but I do find the journey difficult. Each inch, each pound, each body mass index number I drop, I feel it’s a tremendous amount of time, energy, and constant awareness of what I eat and I can’t lie when I say that it can make me exhausted. Just the thinking of what I’m doing can exhaust me…and that’s when that sneaky side, the one who tells me it’s not worth it, starts to talk louder than the rationale side.
The sneaky side is an opportunist. She doesn’t come around when I’m focused, when I’m having a good day or making great strides. She is patient, waits, and watches for an opportunity to start whispering. Don’t worry, I’m not hearing voices, it’s just a process I go through, so bear with me on this one.
The sneaky side waits until I’ve not gotten enough sleep, I’m overwhelmed with errands and housework, or my kids have me extra stressed before she says something like “Why don’t you have a plate of nachos. Nachos always makes you feel better.” She knows she can’t fight me when I’m focused and on track, but she does know when I’m tired and finding a reason not to go workout. These are the moments I find start to want to crater, give in, and pig out and she’s more than willing to help me find something to eat and somewhere to sit.
Until in last few months when something changed.
Maybe it was me finding out why I’d been sick for so long and I was on the way to recovery. Maybe it was the group of my new blue birds or my fit friends, that have kept me motivated.
Maybe it simply was the fact that I’d had enough of my sneaky side sabotaging my health and wellness.
It’s probably all these things, but I think most of all, I didn’t want to be that mom who wouldn’t be there for her children when they needed me. Be it me running to catch them when they fall into the pool or be there for their children’s birth, I saw my body, my mind, and myself fading away into a shapeless, unhappy blob of a woman. I knew I deserved more than that. I didn’t work this hard to correct my life years ago, earn my nursing degree while working three jobs, and later my journalism degree to fall into a Costco sized bag of sadness.
My husband, my children, my friends and family deserved to have me around as long as possible and I want to be around. Plus, I saw that I’d stopped realizing how much I had accomplished, what I had done in this world and that I was more than capable of accomplishing my weight loss/health goals. I’d sidelined myself from all those things I wished I’d done when I was younger and given up on ever achieving them. Why? I am still more than capable of meeting those goals and adding more. Where did it say I had to give up my dreams if I hadn’t done them by the time I’d turned 30?
So I keep moving forward, inching my way to a better self and for now, I’ll probably have to fight my sneaky self everyday. Then one day, when I least expect it, I’ll be going through my day and I’ll realize I hadn’t heard from that sneaky side for quite awhile. Now I know she’ll never be completely gone, but my hope is she’ll take a back seat and let the rationale side be in charge for awhile.