It seems I’m going to stay about right here with my weight as the rest of my body shifts around during this initial process. In a way I’m frustrated and in another I’m thankful. Yes, I’d like to be 10 pounds lighter by now, but I’m not heavier, which is major.
Let me explain.
Today, I finalized my surgery time, my pre-op and post-op appointments. I realized today I’m only three weeks away from my procedure and I got scared.
Honestly, I’m terrified because it’s major surgery, along with anesthesia, recovery, risks, etc., but it’s also necessary for me to get rid of this major sinus infection.
I know someone out there is thinking, “Geez, it’s only sinus surgery, not brain or heart surgery”, but it’s surgery none-the-less. Maybe I know too much because of my nursing background and it’s quite possible, all that knowledge makes me more freaked-out.
When I get this stressed, I tend to eat and eat a lot. Cookies (there are still several cases in my house), candy, pasta, leftovers, and top it all off with gallons of coffee. (The rationale is that I’ll eat less if I use coffee as an appetite suppressant. Lord knows how much I’d actually stuff my face if I weren’t drinking caffiene.)
So along with my monthly (TMI, sorry) I’m finding this pre-op phase difficult. I find myself saying screw it and walking away from this weight loss challenge until I’ve had my surgery and recovery. It would be so easy to do, walk away, it’s easily justified, but I find I feel like I’m laying the groundwork for the post-op, recovery phase. Less work afterwards instead of throwing it all out the window beforehand.
I’ve done that enough of quitting far to early in something, allowing roadblocks, fear, and a pint of Ben and Jerry’s Cherry Garcia to derail me. Then I serve myself a big helping of sorrow and guilt. It’s a crappy cycle to put yourself in and one I’ve decided to stop.
On good days, I want to cut loose, run hard, fast, and for a long time. I start to think I’m holding myself back again and think I may be making more of it than is there. I tell myself, I’m young and feel good (on many days), just tired, but when I start to workout, I’m winded. I tell myself I have simply let myself go and if I’d just push myself a little harder, I’d get through this and be fine. “You’re just a wuss, so quit being a baby and move!”
As an attempt to add more activity into my day, I take the advice of others and do push ups at the kitchen counter, squats while brushing my teeth, and lunges across the house to get something from the office.
I do another set back and I’m winded, a reminder of why I’m writing this. The feeling of suffocation isn’t one of my favorites, maybe it’s just me, but oxygen hunger doesn’t rank on my “fun” lists.
I know I’m limited right now. My doctors told me to be kind to myself as well as some of you out there. I’m trying, by staying mobile, but in non-impact activities (pilates, yoga, etc) and pacing myself in Kung Fu. It pisses me off all the same. I shouldn’t be this winded, this heavy at this age or at all, ever.
Regardless of what I want, I am here and wanting to change, making changes so I can recover better and faster.
How did I get here? I’m only 43 and I’m winded walking across a grocery store parking lot. I keep thinking this sucks and it does, but it’s not forever.
I should be thankful it’s not my heart or something that’s irreversable. It’s simply a gross, massive sinus infection that needs to go away. I don’t have cancer or a horrible, debilitating disease, I have something that’s temporary, fixable, and will most likely not leave me with long-term problems.
How easy it would be to throw in the towel. I mean this process will be anything, but easy. There is not excuse better than, I’m sick and I have asthma.
But I won’t. Why? Why is this time so different from all of the others when I’ve started on this path to lose weight and quit? To be honest with all of you, I really don’t know.
This is the longest road I will travel since it is the most amount of weight I’ll have to lose and recovery from being sick. It feels daunting and difficult, at times, overwhelming, but necessary. I can’t promise myself that this surgery will be the cure-all to my respiratory problems. I’ve got a fair amount of pounds to work off and that load itself is taxing on my body, but it’s not impossible. Despite how much I have to lose, I feel the most prepared, the most focused this time. Maybe it’s maturity, wanting to be more active with my children, or wanting to be here with my husband for years to come, but my brain seems to have accepted the fact I’m worth the attempt.
Don’t get me wrong, I have trouble figuring out how I’ll look when I’m done with this, how I’ll feel, or how my life will be different. All that does give me pause, but it’s not enough to change my mind.
Little by little, whether it’s changes in body fat, inches, or pounds, I’ll get there. It’s just a slow start, that’s all, but it is a start and I’m still here, chugging along and pushing forward.
Watch out when I’m recovered. There’s going to be some major milestones made.